~^ Fantasy of My Life ^~

2010-02-19T16:00:00.002+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone...

I am very very tired... and confused...

When you lend out money to people, it seems to be so easy and simple...

When you asking back your bread, you have to act like a dog, lick their toes...

This world is so sickening

2010-01-05T23:45:00.000+08:00

Happy new year.

Will I get the life I want?

2009-12-16T11:16:00.002+08:00

year 2009 is reaching the end soon... this is a dramatic year to me...

never ever received a single present before... yet now I see how you treat people differently...

this is what you reward me for the efforts I put in for the last few years...

thank you...

one more thing... treasure your family well...

If this is a nightmare... I wish that it will end as soon as possible...

Tired and upset almost everyday...

I am looking for rays of hope...

2009-11-20T17:21:00.002+08:00

Do what you want to do
Go where you want to go
Think what you want to think
because you only can live once

No more fear in myself
No more tear from my eyes
No more hatred from my heart
No more sorry for wrong ones

I hope to lead a better life... amen

2009-11-19T10:26:00.003+08:00

lol... this is so sickening...

the person who thinks so highly of herself... yet never thought that she is just another pair of 3rd-hand shoes...

tragically, there is still people outside there who thinks that there is true love between them... and treasure it like it will just vaporised off if never hold it tight enough...

to me... you will never get what you want in life... because first of all the basic respect to others you already neglected it...

how to gain respect from others if you do not make the first move?

lets see how long more you can enjoy?

2009-11-16T17:51:00.002+08:00

stepping in front of the T-junction now... which route should I take?

continue to hold on and look forward for a miracle? or stick to the reality and kiss goodbye?

I really do not want to get hurt again...

I need a guidance from you guys... please leave your comments in my tag box

"How to overcome problems in long-distance relationship?"

To Shah my brother, take care and we will meet up soon in the near future...

2009-11-11T13:36:00.002+08:00

is it you? who can tell me?

give me a sign to lead me ahead... i am lost... again...

the feelings is so misleading... i do not want to have my effort being washed down to drain again...

2009-11-04T13:07:00.002+08:00

hopefully my last post did not piss anyone who is not related off...

gave in some serious thought... human are really unpredictable... they change so swift that nobody can gauge...

but do not need to despise the past since have a better future... keep those as memories and reminders...

hi people in singapore how are you guys doing? i hope that everything is fine... i am doing fine too...

take care ^^

2009-10-21T00:06:00.002+08:00

since you so happy... let me remind you something...

"The curse of 4 years..."

hope that you will never survive it...

because I wish you all the best... but at the end you despise my personality and thanks for the dispraise... I finally get to see your true colour...

depart with bliss... meet again with a smile... learn to forgive and forget...

you still have long way to go... do not be overwhelmed by what you have now... you cursed me and no good things will fall on you... 3rd hand shoes? lol

2009-10-05T01:14:00.002+08:00

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
To late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same
I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering
And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you I want to
But I can't forgive you
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby
I can't forgive you I know you want me to want you I want to

2009-10-05T00:38:00.002+08:00

is this my retribution afterall?

been hurted again... once more... why do not god just let me go?

asking myself to give another chance... is it a wrong choice to do?

"U nt stupid..i gt try tgt bt in fact we r nt suitable to be tgr...I nt playing u"we sure can make friends"

LOL?

What the fuck that you wanted to give both of us a chance in the first place?

If you already have someone in mind... why bother to try to be a two timer?

Why tell me in the end it is not meant to be?

Gals are horrendous creatures... stay clear...

2009-09-17T22:59:00.002+08:00

Hari raya coming... wish you all have a happy holiday...

hmm should talk a bit about my life here... colleaugues are friendly and helpful... most of them are around my age...

just that I still not used to the environment... being in another country for after about 8 years in singapore... need time bah...

miss you all in singapore... take care and keep in touch...

2009-09-10T23:33:00.001+08:00

as busy as before... nothing much about the life... just hope to get back to singapore as soon as possible...

anyway... stop contacting me if you are looking for money or companion... i am broke and busy... ^^

2009-08-23T20:36:00.002+08:00

One month once? Realised that I am blogging on monthly basis

Started new life early of this month... til now has been one month... everything seems so far so good... but there is something missing in my heart... I miss Lion City... terribly...

Not going to blog a lot about my whereabouts at here... Hope that life here is better... Keep reminding myself I am not going to look back into the past... need to be more determined...

Hopefully those people will realise that they have been all the while wasting their time and energy to look for me... but I enjoying to look at them rushing around like morons...

Nobody knows where am I now and I not going to reveal it... this is my only chance to get away from the sad past... I have changed totally... perhaps become more merciless? ^^

2009-07-20T02:50:00.003+08:00

I wonder... will it be people read my blog?

that is the reason why I did not blog for a long time... almost a month...

maybe hide the feelings within myself will be a better choice to spill it out... I just feel that suffocating sometimes... sorry to you all if I ever lose my temper again...

Birthday is around the corner... friends and family is celebrating for me... but I do not feel happy... why?

Teach me how to smile... teach me how to restrain from open up my heart again...

2009-06-25T01:18:00.001+08:00

again cannot sleep... i know that my body is tired but i just cannot get to sleep...

soon... i will be getting my iphone soon... being looking forward to it... fashion icon sia lol...

and soon... i will be out of job... sien to think about that... I am going to be jobless... sigh...

after working for few years feel like going for a holiday... on my own...

birthday is getting nearer... this year really bad...

dunno should celebrate it... perhaps what i need is space and a long awaited sms...

2009-06-11T23:04:00.002+08:00

a new life? perhaps?

recently very busy with interviews... one day can go up to 5 interviews... zzz... i going to collapsed... people say economic is bad... but seems like a lot companies still recruiting...

feel lucky that I have no problem with relationship now...no relationship = no problem... anyway getting a psycho as girlfriend will only invite more trouble lol...

after working for almost 4 years... suddenly qualified to be manager... lol... big jump sia... the salary wise also big jump...

birthday is coming... how to celebrate sia?

stay at home rot? any suggestion?

coming back to interview... being flying around the whole asean... no kidding... whole asean for interview... taking flights more than cars recently... so tired...

yawn... i think i need to go sleep liao... so tired...

2009-05-11T01:36:00.002+08:00

Time to show hand... time for me to look for new chances... looking forward to work in some government sector... which I can fully utilise my degree... hey this certificate not for free ok...

I still cannot get to sleep at this time... my insomnia is getting worse... sigh... think too much le bah...

I want to enjoy... want to lead a carefree life...

2009-05-05T23:57:00.002+08:00

My body is signalling to me warning signs... my gum got infection... doctor says I need to quit smoking immediately if not the situation will deteriorate... hmm... guess it is about time to change my lifestyle... drink 7 days in a week... smoke 1-2 packs of cigarettes each day...

I want to live on... I still have lot of stuffs to be done... dreams to be fulfil... people to love...

The feeling deep down in my heart is inexplainable... It is better I refrain myself from relationship now... already in deep shit of financial crisis... whatever more to think about that i will be able to give happiness to others... furthermore I will only attracts suckers and cheaters...

In order to lead on a better life I must change... I hope that you all can do it too... do not lose hope...

2009-04-24T10:21:00.002+08:00

Time is bad... My boss talked with me yesterday... It seems like my life has yet to switch back to normal lol... "If you can get better opportunities outside there, all the best to you; However if you wish to stay here, you have to find your own path."

Pondering a lot for the last two nights... realised that my greatest mistake is easy trust in people... on the wrong company... really have to admit that I have a long way to go and tremendous endurance is need for these...

A lot of things in my mind which I unable to write out in words... I just feel very very tired... coughing out blood for the past over one week... Numbness runs through my throat and chest... I have the feelings of drying up... somehow I struggle a lot for it...

Will I be able to walk through this challenge? Will I get back you again? Pleased to see you are leading your life well now... the pain and numbness will never go off from my brain... transmission of signals has been blocked by my natural senses... I just do not want to feel sad anymore...

I still love you... you know who you are...

2009-04-22T00:29:00.003+08:00

anguish runs over my mind now... bad luck will not run away from me...

I need money... cash... do not drive me to the corner where I will turn around and bite...

Sonovabitch, fark off...

The feeling of jammed and high is running me wild... when will I able to release myself from this merciless world?

Finally I got my degree, but it seems useless at this time... I just have to bite on my fingers and wait a little more... Hard to switch job now...

How I wish I can turn back time... back to year 2007... My life would be totally different from now...

2009-03-31T23:10:00.002+08:00

tired... I feel so tired... am I taking the right path?

people around the world are getting more and more hot-tempered now... anger management is a must... lol...

I feel that I can almost break down anytime... under peer pressure which nobody can help or understand well... sigh...

I gonna get some food... feel so hungry...

2009-03-24T17:06:00.003+08:00

I know I acted weirdly last night... but please forgive me... I know you are worried for me... but please be assured that I will be alright... I just need some time to cool down and think...

Think of what I want... think of what I need in life... Think of what I have now... Think of future... Think of problems... Think of debts...

Do you know that how much I miss you? everytime your image crossed my mind I will feel the sweetness... In my dream you are always pretty and cute... though I hardly show you I miss you but I do... I really do...

I know this is not right to do... but god... please give me strength and gut to get through the thing I am going to face soon... S$10000 is the minimum I will get... but a single mishap will cost me everything... Please give me your blessing... I will never do it again after this round...

I gonna get some sleep...

Are you the one?

2009-03-20T20:09:00.002+08:00

Hmm... sorry for slow update... today is friday again... it is party time again... will most probably going down to dragonfly later... ^^ anyone wanna join me?

I guess my heart has already walking away far from the broken path... it is so painful and I am stunned that I can endure it til the end... do not give up...

Lol to pig hor... you know who you are... do not always call me devil... later devil swallows you up then you know... ^^ anyway I never thought I will have the feeling again... being psycho myself intensely that I can never trust anybody anymore... I decided to give myself a try... hopefully it will works...

Mentality has changed after the last few months of deep thought... no point crying over spilled milk... I dunno what is going to happened in the future but I know that I will hold on to your hands and not letting it go... I have been given a chance now and I will never miss it...

Friends and Foes... welcome to my brand new life... ^^

fuck

2009-03-17T23:16:00.003+08:00

thinking of this issue deep down in myself: Am I treating people too nice?

Somehow people misunderstood my meaning... and take me for spare and granted... Reminded that I have been left behind time for a long time... lost touch with the things going on out there...

plan to clear my debts by next year... I am not sure whether I can do it... it is not a small sum of money but I really have to force myself for it... If not I will not move on...

People tend to compare among themselves... and neglect what they are having which others do not have... admiration makes a person blind and forget about the value of content...

Am I doing the right choice? She is a nice gal but I am afraid to move on... til now I haven do anything yet... I hope that can be her closest friend because I do not want any party to get hurt...

We both know that we feel something for others... hopefully this is not my wilful thought... Love matters are really complicated... I am inching into the 25th birthday of my life... yet I still do not understand what is love...

Loved or to love?

2009-03-06T00:32:00.002+08:00

how to put in words? again this thing comes to me again... the person i do not like keeps coming to me... the person i love always will not even spare a little thought for me...

raining now... hope that you all can take care well... do not fall sick... goodnight and sweet dreams...

lost

2009-02-23T00:44:00.002+08:00

Economic is not getting better... not even a little... save while you can... lol...

I being busy for last few weeks... dealing with a lot of business but most of them to no avail... hmm... it is ok at least I learned a lot new things...

Feel like going Thailand to visit Bai Long King lol... anyone went before?

Just got back from Costa Sands Pasir Ris... so tired sia... company chalet... a bit bored... lost a lot on mahjong lol... I need to improve a lot... but black jack made me a lottery...

too tired... I signed off now...

New year new hope new relationship

2009-02-11T14:46:00.002+08:00

Finally the boring CNY is over... time to get back to normal life... in fact already got back to the normal life since 3rd day of CNY... Michael smsed me, "Hey bro any plans today?" lol... gazing at the monitor while friends still on holiday... maybe this will suits me better... slack around will only give my brain loopholes to run wildly... better still get back to work...

Realised that people are getting more and more merciless nowadays... lose the faith to expose my confidence to lay trust on anyone... not to mention reason but the conclusion is: I will not trust anybody anymore... nobody is trustworthy... not to mention whether they are liars... the problem lies is caused by insufficient confidence of person...

Who can tell me... he or she can trust himself or herself 100%? there must be a point of time where a person will start to doubt... on own willpower, stamina, belief... questions will storm in... still feel that it is better to keep something to ownself... this is the basic rule of surviving in this ironic world...

Happy Chinese New Year

2009-01-23T11:26:00.002+08:00

Happy chinese new year for everyone... hope that everyone will be able to stand through the tide of economic crisis this time round... and hope that all couples out there... treasure each other well...

passed by a shop yesterday... I heard "My Love Will Get You Home" by Christine Glass... memories come back again... "Du yi wu er"... "Du yi you er"... only you will know what I mean... If you are browsing this page...

I really have no strength to step into any relationship anymore... rather be single than get hurt...

anyone interested in affiliate marketing? please contact me via my mobile...

Associate work

2009-01-20T22:58:00.001+08:00

Affiliate Marketing... anyone who is interested?

Time is running out for me... god please grant me a bit more... just a bit more...

please...

go die

2009-01-17T02:26:00.002+08:00

get married, get fuck, get children, get agony, get depressed, get regret... go ahead...

nothing else to say...

moron... fuck off will you?

Hopefully a better year

2009-01-13T09:32:00.002+08:00

Seeing everyone left me one by one... find their happiness one by one... the feeling is awkward... hard to swallow... Am I really paying back the price for being ignorant to others last time? Am I really have to go through all these again?

I cannot help to think back on last two weeks ago... when I backed to KL and Genting again... the feelings has came back... remembered that time due to lose in casino... the feast trip was cancelled... end up eat instant noodles... vowed to come back again to win... lol... no more chance for these...

Fuck you all daughter of bitch... all kind gals have vanished from this world... Leave me alone all of you sluts... A man with nothing to lose... Do not cross... I will make you all regret for the result of my life now... I hate you all...

Breathless

2009-01-08T08:47:00.002+08:00

The first week of year 2009 is going to finish soon... lets look back what I have done...

I manage to get myself more things to busy with... Business is bad this year... most of my suppliers cannot confirm with me the delivery date and stock availability... anyway I doubt anybody will dare to promise anything at this point of time... economic is terrible...

Chinese New Year coming... I super hate it this time round... no girlfriend with me... all gals outside are full of shit... pretentious, materialistic, haughty, fabricated high-class... being on the cloud nine since last August til now... I will not throw money away again to all these vases... but I still feeling something missing from my life...

no money no honey? hate to say this again... is it really too late for a person who really remorsed enough?

Year 2009

2009-01-05T19:30:00.002+08:00

Fall sick again... think I never even recovered from the cough and sore throat at all... keep on telling myself to hold on strong... this year mindset is there... quit smoking... quit drinking... if cannot become an occasional drinker... these two things have become my liabilities for my debts... must really kick them away...

last year I met with lots of despicable people... somehow my life changed totally... I become a heavier smoker... an alcoholic... spent money like water... this year must not repeat all these mistakes again... feel weak now... I think severe coughing has drained away my stamina...

perhaps rest a while on bed will help? be right back...

Just wait

2008-12-22T00:08:00.002+08:00

recently quite happy... the feeling of being single is not that bad actually... because I can do what I want to do... go where I want to go... think what I want to think... this is the life I have been looking forward to...

people... stupid woman... You just wait... your happiness will not last long... because it is built on others pain and sadness...

I have a new gal in my life... her name is Chanel... she is quite nice... hope that we can really try out...

late again... sleep bah... Rei... you must be strong...

On the right path

2008-12-15T00:37:00.002+08:00

I am on my way to success... the keypoint now is about marketting... engage in trading business.. doing all brands of laptops at 20% - 25% of the market price outside...anyone out there who needs a laptop may contact me...

And... who you think you are? do not try to act cocky with me... if you are not going to save my face... even i do not have any ulterior motive... then sorry to say... you are a loser who cannot accept the fact... do not bother to tell people that you are modest and generous... time will tell the truth... that you have a terribly fuck up attitude...

peoplr with no aim in life... laugh my ass off... maybe you all will think I should mind my own business... but I can tell you all... if you look down at me I will look down even more at you all... because you all are human who cannot understand yourself... idiot and moron should not comment about me...

goodnight...

Go Away

2008-12-11T15:54:00.002+08:00

Living in happiness while stepping on others' agony and sadness... is this called life?

Smiling while knowing people are crying for you... is this called kind-hearted?

She had change to a person I can never recognised... extremely disappointed...

Doing sideline business now... I hope to go China soon... going on next month to take a look at my new office... Hopefully I can cope well with the new environment...

Retribution will takes place... It is just a matter of time... Stupid women... Lol...

Fuck off... I do not need you all...

Final

2008-12-05T16:49:00.002+08:00

so long I never take a look into my thumbdrive... in fact I lost track of how long I never used it... happened to come across a file inside, named "Final"... open up and realised that it is the last letter I wanted to pass to her... but I will never ever have the chance anymore... here is the letter...

It has been a long time since I wrote you a letter, for how long even I cannot remember. Remember our story, piggy and wild boar? Always for nothing I will start to write down words and feelings on love letter and pass to you, secretly or directly, I do not know. Now I really losing the confidence about myself, how truthful will I be if I am going to write you another letter? A confide of my internal feelings? Will I still get any trust from you, even a little?

Remembered that time, when I saw you in Chinese garden, I knew something was haunting me after that. It was the feeling of afraid, in my heart I already know that I am going after you. I know that I want to be with you, I know I like you, but at the same time I felt fear. The feelings were too hard to explain, looking back now on the past I can finally say out. I was afraid that, what if I day I lose you? What if one day I do not love you anymore? Countless failure in relationships stranded my movement, strong struggle in my heart, internal mental wars broke out in me, and I decided to give it a try. I do not want to lose the chance; I want to be in love with you, I chosen this path.

The first few months with you was really sweet and happy, thinking of you every time especially before I went to sleep every night. Miss the feeling of holding your hands firmly and never let go, miss the feelings of hugging you tight, I really felt like the luckiest man in the world, because I had you. To others you might not mean anything, but to me you are everything, you were my world. At that time, I never failed to send you to work and fetched you back home after work, a “full-time job” I had been on for about one year. Whenever you were closer to your work place or closer to your house, my feelings ran wild, the time clicked faster. I appreciated the time and the frequency was getting faster and stronger, “Chou Ren”, I really love you.

Sorry that I never treat you well, that time my mobile was not on in-coming call free basis. Meticulous calculation of talk time I can gave you every night really made me treasure the time on phone with you, sang love songs on phone with you, sweet talks between you and me brighten up my day. Slowly and gradually, I gave in more and more, and the same time I afraid that what will happen if I were to lose you? The fear hit me, but with love and care I ignored, because I know with you nothing else can shaken me, I hold on strong to it and I really love you. The self depiction of me was getting blurred within myself but I can see you, really love you a lot, really.

You told me, no matter what we will be together, at first we were still keeping a lot things to ourselves. You were not sure about yourself and neither did I, we were both recovering from past relationship and we had fights. Few times you want to end this relationship but at the end you relented, really thank you for that. You taught me lot things, simple things: how to dress up, how to smile, how to say thank you, how to appreciate others. All these really helped me a lot in building up my confidence, you words gave me power to stand up again. We will be happily together and forever we will, am I right? This question was kind of joke at that point of time, never thought that it will be the doubt of us down the road.

I began take you for granted, I started to flirt around; I thought you will always be my side no matter how bastard I am. The strong tolerance in you made you forgive me, the trust in you gave me chances to fool around and hurting you, I took both things as granted and I went around with Star. You were very disappointed and angry but you acted dumb, by knowing that one day I will regret by doing so. Time proved that you are right, you know me better than me. This was the major first I hurt you, sorry for being inconsiderate about your feelings, “du bu qi”.

I had return to you, this time I saw her true face, her flirtatious and bad characteristics, but I am in wrong as the initiator of all these, for once more, I apologize for my unfaithfulness to you, and thank you for gave me a chance that time. You never failed to believe in me even when the whole world doubted me, words cannot describe my feelings. I sworn to myself that I will love you much, more than ever, I really did, but only for less than a year and I started to repeat the same mistake again, even to someone I haven met in real life and I can said I love her. How naïve and foolish am I unable to see you again? You had a lot choices but you chose to stand with me, and I only knew to blame you, vent my anger on you whenever I been feeling down.

Getting bored, this word is what I said to you, because I take you for granted and I been too self-centered that you have to listen to whatever I said. I flirted again with Kelly, I pushed you aside, I chose to gave up on you for her, thought she is truthful to me, I just being too narrow-minded, but god want me to learn my lesson, in a harsh and hard way. When I wanted to turn back this round, you already left. Never ever wanted to blame you, but I did not treasure those tons of chances you have given me, and moreover you not asking for much from me, “HONESTY”, I failed to do so, always want to find reasons to cover up my everything, because I was flirting. My instinct told me I am doing the wrong thing but my heart wanted to play, spanked myself hard on face few times now, what am I doing, worse than a kindergarten kid?

Lao po, I know I apologized too much, it is impossible for you to forgive me now; with shameless and willing to die I still have to say, I AM SORRY. Shah told me, “I know that you just feel very tired, you feel like finding a corner and cry out, but you realized you cannot.” I really feel very tired now, if my body is as weak as my heart I would have collapsed long time ago, the only reason for me to hold on now is you.

If I promised that I will not hide from you anymore, I will give you my utmost honesty; will you give me a chance? I know you cannot believe me anymore, but give me a last chance, really a last chance to let me love, care, and concern for you again. Being sitting down alone for few days makes me having a clearer mind now, my temper calmed down and I really hoping for a chance to hold your hands again.

Contact me if you willing to give it a try on me, on the hopeless kid who is really giving all out this time round to change. I will be waiting, forever…

Here ends the letter...

really no comment... sayonara...

Coughing sensation

2008-12-04T22:37:00.002+08:00

My sore throat did not seen to recover... since Monday til now... my phlegm still green-yellowish in colour... my friends say I have more macho and sexy voice now... lol...

something bad happened yesterday... It is going to ruin my career path anytime... Just hope that when year 2009 is here things will get better bah... but the economic like shit now... how to survive without a job sia? sigh...

Christmas is coming... I really hate it... because this year I will have no one by my side to celebrate with me... I know I should not think about it anymore... In the deep down of my heart, I still cannot let go... but this will only be exposed when I really drunk... I experienced it once and it really hurts...

nah... gonna sleep early now... tomorrow is Friday... Dragonfly trip and 3 cannons awaiting for me... lol... gonna save up more stamina now... oyasuminasai...

Precious Moment

2008-12-02T08:55:00.002+08:00

feeling terrible now... I hardly get sick... now down with sore throat and flu again... but cannot take mc anymore... being warned by HR and boss... die die also must come work... luckily later I on half day off...

went back to hometown with Happy last weekend... hesitated a lot before I brought her back with me... afraid about people opinion's towards her lol... she performed well sia... can talked well with my relatives... though I do not know what they are thinking... but heck care la... I just need a companion... feel so shameful on the fact that I actually skipped hometown visit for almost 2 years... especially during chinese new year...

thinking of continue my studies further more by taking up a master programme... either MBA or something else... do not wish to stop at this stage... I told myself that I will never let people look down at me anymore... and I will never bother about haughty and childish person... the agitation will not work on me... I will persevere through all these...

Will I have the chance to do these again?

2008-11-28T15:02:00.002+08:00

When she walks away from you mad===[ Follow her]

When she stare's at your lips===[ Kiss her ]

When she pushes you or hit's you===[ Grab her and don’t let go ]

When she start's cursing at you===[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]

When she's quiet===[ Ask her what’s wrong]

When she ignore's you===[ Give her your attention ]

When she pulls away==[ Pull her back ]

When you see her at her worst===[ Tell her she's beautiful ]

When you see her start crying==[Just hold her and don’t say a word ]

When you see her walking==[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]

When she's scared===[ Protect her ]

When she lay's her head on your shoulder===[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]

When she steal's your favorite sweatshirt==[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]

When she tease's you===[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]

When she doesn’t answer for a long time===[ reassure her that everything is okay ]

When she looks at you with doubt==[ Back yourself up with the TRUTH]

When she say's that she like's you==[ she really does more than you could understand ]

When she grab's at your hands===[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]

When she bump's into you===[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]

When she tells you a secret===[ keep it safe and untold ]

When she looks at you in your eyes===[ don’t look away until she does ]

When she misses you===[ She's hurting inside]

When you break her heart===[ the pain NEVER really goes away ]

When she says its over===[ she STILL wants you to be hers ]

When she repost this bulletin===[ she wants you to read it ]

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

- Tease her and let her tease you back

-Stay up all night with her when she's sick

- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her

- Kiss her in the pouring rain

- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"

Stay and be quiet

2008-11-28T09:14:00.002+08:00

whatever you are thinking... or feeling... please keep it to yourself and do not show off in front of others... if you do not wish to be treated the way you are treating others now... please make sure you put yourself in others' shoe...

the 2nd day i watch movie whole day in office now... so nice boss never come for today as well... looking forward for tomorrow... going for a short trip... gonna drive all the way up to KL with my her... lol... paiseh wor... I have only 2 days to spare...

go back my movie now... maybe will come back later...

Destined

2008-11-28T00:56:00.002+08:00

Always believe in the law of equivalent... If you gain something, at the same time you will lose something in return, whether you are aware of it...

Not trying to curse anyone... but I just feel like telling you all who are reading my blog... you might be happy right now... but always remember that your happiness might sourced from others' upset and emptiness... you might not remember the person or item which you care so much for... but somehow trust me... people tend to forget...

To struggle on my life now... economic is really getting worse... and there is no a single sign of recovery... wallet super tight now... just have to be more tactful in spending... overspent over the last few months... enough to cover a simple labourer's one year salary...

getting sleepy... eyelids getting heavier... here I stop... oyasuminasai...

Exhilaration

2008-11-24T12:52:00.002+08:00

So fast... this year is approaching into the last month soon... Look back on the past months... I have not made much improvements wor... Still need to change my attitude... "gan qing yong shi"... Need to overcome this major problem...

Feel so suffocating staying in Singapore... tried out apply for job admist of glocal economic crisis... never thought that I got 3 offers wor... All overseas... lol... I think it is a clear sign for me to move on... and leave Singapore bah... 3 years has passed and I have already fulfilled my tuition grant bond...

Out of all these offers... the locations are ShangHai, Australia (Brisbane), and New Zealand... hope so much can go ShangHai... it is one of the busiest city in the world... the living standard there is high also lol... got offered twice of my current salary if I got there... but still have to consider... I will need to adapt to a totally new environment...

I just want to leave this place... leave all my regrets and sadness behind... never look back...

有些人，一旦错过就不在!

2008-11-20T00:20:00.001+08:00

有些人，一旦错过就不在!

有些人，一旦错过就不在!!

女孩说我爱你。男孩笑了。

女孩又说我真的爱你。男孩还是笑。

女孩说你根本不爱我。男孩沉默了。女孩哭着离开了。跑的很远很远。

男孩站在原地，怔怔地，他自言自语到，其实我也爱你，只是不知道怎么爱你。

女孩倒在秋千上，男孩用力地推啊推啊。

男孩篮球比赛，女孩叫破了嗓子，第二天依然出现在男孩面前说昨天你真逊。

女孩说我要最漂亮的那朵，男孩奋不顾身地爬上树，然后遍体鳞伤地对女孩说给你。

男孩的头上出现了一点点的红色，女孩紧张半天却还说着我才不在乎。

女孩说我累了，男孩蹲下身子，说上来吧，我背你。

男孩一次成绩超过了女孩，女孩心底高兴依然说下不为例。

女孩第一次学滑板，摔地体无完肤，男孩一边骂着小傻瓜，一边用手小心地擦拭着伤口。然后眼眶中满是眼泪。

男孩在全校获奖，女孩摇摇头说你还差点。

女孩知道男孩喜欢她，所以她不会自己开口。

男孩知道女孩喜欢他，可是他不知怎么开口。女孩说我们明天去海边。男孩今天就搞到了所有的地图。

男孩想喝一口开水，女孩为他捧来了整桶饮料。

女孩想要一颗星星，男孩为她搬来了整颗地球。

男孩说明天想喝咖啡。女孩今天就买好了所有的品种。

女孩说我不会跟自己不喜欢的男孩要求太多。男孩说还好你对我要求很少。

男孩说我不会让自己不喜欢的女孩坐上自己的单车。女孩笑了，还好你从没有把我当女孩看待。

女孩说如果我遇见喜欢的男孩，一定用眼神杀死他。男孩说怪不得你从没有对我放过电。

男孩说如果我遇见我喜欢的女孩一定背着她满世界地跑。女孩说还好你背我的路程只够地球半径的四分之一。

女孩说我喜欢的男孩一定是最棒的，他一定会骑着白马来找我。男孩说现在已经不允许私自贩卖马匹。

男孩说我喜欢的女孩一定比关之琳还关之琳。女孩说关之琳已被列入老人名单内了。

女孩说我喜欢的男孩一定要会在新年的十二点打电话对我说我爱你。男孩说这样的电话费会很贵，相当于一个世纪。

男孩说我喜欢的女孩一定要会在我沮丧的时候给我安慰。女孩说现在连个保姆都会给你安慰，因为你给她钱。

女孩说如果他爱我，就算我到天涯海角，他都找的找我。男孩说那你一定要找个地理知识很好的人，不然你没有找到倒把自己弄丢了。

男孩说如果她真的爱我，一定会知道我在想什么。女孩说那你一定得找个占卜师。因为她连你有没有藏私房钱都知道。

女孩说你们男孩都不浪漫。男孩说因为我们都没有钱去浪漫。

男孩说你们女孩一天到晚只知道胡思乱想。女孩说因为别的都要花钱。

女孩说我喜欢的男孩一定要比我强。男孩说可怜的我只有一次没有超过你的记录。

男孩说我喜欢的女孩一定不要太聪明，否则我会迷失方向。女孩说啊，可惜我总是和你在极端的两头。

女孩说长大以后我要当个侦探，比福尔摩斯还厉害。男孩说那你一定需要一个比华生还华生的人。

男孩说我长大后一定要当一个国家领导人，发动全宇宙最伟大的战争。女孩说世界不会接受第二个希特勒的，就像没有中国人爱日本人那样。

女孩说你的英语很poor.男孩就在暑假报了五个暑期培训班。

男孩说女孩不够淑女。女孩暑假逼着自己去学习礼仪。

女孩知道男孩很在乎她的话。所以她想总有一天男孩会跟她说的。男孩知道女孩很在乎他的话。所以他想即使不说女孩也是会明白的。

女孩认识了比男孩高的男孩，男孩说我爱你。女孩笑着拒绝了。

男孩认识了比女孩好的女孩。女孩说我爱你。男孩笑着拒绝了。

比男孩高的男孩说你在等什么？女孩说他会说的。

比女孩好的女孩说你在等什么？男孩说她明白的。

女孩说花都谢了。男孩说它还会开的。

男孩说花又开了。女孩说它还是要谢的。

女孩说我要走了，去美国。男孩说听说外国男孩都很帅。

男孩说我会留下，因为我热爱中国。女孩说还是中国的美女最多。

女孩去机场的时候男孩送了她。女孩希望男孩留下她。可是男孩没有。

男孩留在了中国。男孩希望女孩留下，可是他没有说。女孩哭了，说我一定找个高鼻子，蓝眼睛的。

男孩笑了，说祝你好运。

女孩走了。男孩哭了。

女孩不停地写信。男孩不停地回信。

一年后，女孩回来了。男孩去机场接她。可是身边已多了一个女人。男孩长大了。女孩没有。

女孩说祝你幸福。男孩说谢谢。

女孩又走了，带着眼泪。男孩身边的女人说弟弟，我们走吧！

男孩又哭了。她一定会比我幸福的。

手术台前，男孩痛苦地抓住医生说一定要让她幸福。

男孩坟前，女孩悲伤地抓住丈夫说他原本可以给我幸福的。

丈夫抱着她，轻轻地。丈夫就是最后的那个医生。

男孩从没有对女孩说过一句我爱你。因为他一直以为女孩明白。女孩从没有对男孩说过一句我爱你。因为她一直以为男孩会说。

等男孩真正想说的时候女孩走了。等女孩真正想说的时候男孩死了。

男孩还是一个人，女孩却是两个人。女孩一直以为男孩是两个人。男孩一直以为女孩是一个人。

女孩问男孩下辈子你要几个人生活？男孩笑着说两个人，我和我爱的人。

男孩问女孩下辈子你要几个人生活？女孩笑着说一个人，因为我爱的人从没有跟我说过他爱我。

有些人，一旦错过就不在!!有些人，一旦错过就不在!!有些人，一旦错过就不在!!

Internal Confrontation

2008-11-18T20:39:00.000+08:00

Do not worry, relax and enjoy life...

What is more important to me now is to secure my career, settle my debts, and looking forward to work in New Zealand... I cannot bother much about other things anymore... everything seems so fabricated and fake to me now...

Money is the evil of root... when you are loaded, friends are everywhere... when you are tied down by financial problems, nobody will know you... tried so much not to believe but this is still reality that I have to face...

About relationship, only one word: speechless...

somehow I believe in retribution...

Hallucination

2008-11-13T16:37:00.004+08:00

I feel upset... I am really fighting within myself mentally for the will... I work overtime everyday... stay out late almost everynight... I do not hope to go back home... because I know that once I quiet down my mind will overrun me again... For few months I have not smile even once... no matter happy or sad... my day still have to go on... My will is fighting within me... now is the economic downturn period... I have been incurring impact from it deeply... I have no one to rely on now... It now on my own...

I feel tired... I need the will to hang on... My head feel heavy...

Outcome

2008-11-11T00:16:00.002+08:00

You can choose not to believe me, but I really meant my words this time...

Simply care and concern being misunderstood as having ulterior motive... I really did not expect this thing to happen... and I never expect that you will have this thinking towards me...

Really hope that you will be happy now... but please do not forget your priority in life... whatever it is...

I am now struggling thru all kind of pressure... financial, school, career... no one will understand how I feel... being lonely to fight all these things is choking and unbearable... the stress is tremendous...

Looking forward a holiday now... to beach... have not been relieve myself since July til now...

I know somehow I cannot revert the fact... I really regret...

Confusion

2008-11-07T00:22:00.002+08:00

what is friend?

it should be someone who stay with you... regardless of happiness and sadness... listen to you...

I cannot be friend with her...

stranger or lover...

choose one bah...

I am tired... only slept for 1 hour last night...

Gonna get some sleep... sign off now...

Key Point in Life

2008-11-05T23:53:00.002+08:00

My buddy, Alvin and Angus... thanks for standing by my side for past few weeks... we went through same shit... we know that nobody can touch our heart again... Alvin told me that he will not love anyone anymore... it was so sad to get to know that how much he did for his fiancee... not being appreciated even a little...

Angus's fiancee passed away 3 years ago... He was thrown into depression for almost a year... finally he got back... brother I sure I can do it... this transition period is hard and bitter for me... but I know that I have to walk through it no matter what... because I will be stronger if I can do it...

tell me... I can do it...

I want to live better...

Lost Faith

2008-11-04T23:09:00.002+08:00

I writing this down... because I know how long my time left... and I hope that I will not be regret... For the last 7 years, I have been trusting people too much... all the while I always put in 100% of trust and faith... either in myself or others... so naive to think that people will appreciate... again and again I being disappointed...

I know myself that I am not perfect either... I am emotionally unstable... somehow my mood swings... I am indecisive... it is because of that I made a lot mistakes in my life, some of them almost cost me my life... but it seems that god want me to stay on and learn... again and again... I escaped from death...

I remembered that in my previous blog, which I deleted due to some personal reasons... I stated: " Love is not having the person by your side, letting somone go off from you is another way of showing love." Ironically, what I said has turn in to reality... I let go somebody...

The law of equivalency. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost... Remember that always... cannot keep stop thinking of this, because this is one of the major reason that why am I still here typing this post today... vice versa quote from above, I lost something now, hopefully I will be getting something in return...

People die one day eventually... to me I have no fear... I know how much time I left with... I know that I cannot afford to waste life anymore...

I want to live...

My memoir

2008-11-02T23:36:00.002+08:00

everyone has their life story and experience, to me it is nice to read on others memoir... thus I have decided to write down my life... all these started from 7 years ago...

My first girlfriend was when I 17... really naive at that time... chased her for few weeks and finally got her heart... never thought that she is not as naive as I was... she was smart to know what she wants in life at the age of 17... humiliated by her mother in front of my parents... She said: " you cannot even afford to pay for your own school uniform, what makes you think that you can give my daughter a good and comfortable future?"

second girlfriend came in shortly after that... she just broke up with her ex... and my and my best friend were vying for her at the same time... but though... none of us managed to get her heart... she went back to her ex... some gals are meant to be teach a good lesson... anyway i cut my wrist for her... it was my first attempt of suicide... I did not die after that... because I never cut deep enough... but the scar followed me for life til now...

in between these... I had a few crush on several gals... I will not list down because those are not important... after that... I met her... she is the only gal I had ever love... the feeling cannot explained by words... We sticked with each other for almost four years... and broke off for few times... I swallowed pills... tried to jump from 7th floor... landed in police station and IMH... all sort of painful experience I had been went through with her... I keep telling myself to forget all these now... but I feel terrible...

she told me:" you complained that god is unfair to you, but god reward you with a gal, who stayed with you for 4 years... faithful to you, never betrayed you... what do you expect more?" seriously at that point of time I already lost her... all these words are like 1000-tons hammer... directly impact on my heart makes me lost... I wish I could be more mature... just a little bit more to treasure her...

maybe in my past life... I owe gals too much... that is why I am paying back hard this life... somehow I losing my track... perhaps my life is getting nearer to the end... I cough terribly... I want to live on... I am not afraid of anything... I just worried for my family and my best friends... all the while they have stood by me for these few months when I really down... thanks for you all... If not because of you, I will not have the will power to fight on and write down this entry...

I already planned for my life for next 5-10 years... no point plan too far... I will not be able to know what will happened after that... I want to be happy now... regardless of the source... to me I cried almost every night for last 3 months... pointless... cannot think much for now... I want to live happily even the time might not be long... we all only get to live once and we must treasure it... although it is short but make sure you never regret...

I want to live...
Please...

Poisoned

2008-10-28T22:57:00.000+08:00

Somehow I feel, debts are meant to return... kindness are meant to repay... but I think I have been eating on my own medicine... It is going to cost me my life...

There is only 2 things i regret in life:

1) being unfilial to my parents
2) being unfaithful to my ex, eileen

so far i know, human do change... these few months I have been looking on a lot of this on reality of life...

Wait with patience, change with eager to hope for that tiny hope has invade my brain slowly... I cannot think straight... all I know is to hold on to it, if you really hope for it...

who am I?
a person who can be a great help, and a nuisance when you do not need?

anyway that people out there can enjoy their happiness... no matter what happened, angel will be with you if you never committed sins... vice versa, devil will stalk you for life if you never do good deeds...

I know I have been wrong for past few years... time to repay has passed... I have repay all my sins...

No more tears, no more feelings, no more looking back on it... no more perseverance and fantasy has faded...

Sayonara

Where are you?

2008-10-01T10:38:00.000+08:00

meet up with my bro Shah last night...
it has been more than 14 days since we last met...
paiseh being busy throughout this period of time...
trying to forget...
but the memories have been rooted firm in my heart...
the more i try to forget...
the more i am being reminded...

rained heavily last night...
ever since i small...
i used to have this habit...
sit in front of balcony door and look into the emptiness of heavy rain...
let my mind relax...
let my feelings flow...
it is the only time i feel comfortable...

went pub with jiuan hua...
QB bar lol...
since long time ago...
had become a routine patroniser...
i always went there with her...
but she is no more there...
no more... forever... ever...

tried to cut in queue on the pool table...
thought i was going to lose on the first round of challenge...
never thought that...
i won miracly...
and i won and won again...
for 4 games...
"qing chang shi yi, qiu chang de yi"?
means i been a loser on love, but a winner on pool?

is it too late to turn back now?
if only i can perform that well on love...
as what i did on pool table...
i really do my best not to think of it...
because it seems to drift away from me far...
i cannot touch it...
but my feelings towards it still strong enough to make me cry again...

sigh...
i do not want to shed any more tears...
but it is uncontrollable...
ironic is not it?
i really hardly cry...
but i really feel lost...
for this time...

Tarnished... Finished?

2008-09-24T11:56:00.000+08:00

Do you really know...
how is the feeling...
of someone who used to stand by with you...
his/her existence was never noticed...
you took the comfortably for granted...

when one day...
they disappeared from your life for whatsoever reasons...
suddenly you feel so lost and empty...
no matter how hard you spank yourself...
they are already gone for good...

do not ask me how i feel now...
i cannot feel anything...
the worst feelings is when you unable to feel anything...
and how much i wish...
to get back to your heart...

recently I have been facing with a lot of stress...
study... working... family... and $...
people always come and go and they say:...
'aiya nothing great about it...
your problem is nothing compared to mine...'

do you know that...
mentality is not meant for comparing...
if you do not bother to ask before you start to comment...
fuck off from me...
i do not need your highly graded opinions...

there is something in my heart...
that i will never forget it for life...
i really love her...
i love her more than i love myself...
is not this called true love?

guys and gals...
tell me...
what is love?
my vision is getting blurrer...
i cannot see the path ahead of me...

i need a chance...

just one more...

Walking away...

2008-09-15T00:52:00.000+08:00

If I walk away one day...
It does not means I do not care anymore...
It only merely means...
I cannot love you anymore...

If I stop calling you...
It does not means I do not miss you anymore...
It only means...
I do not want to think of you cos' I am going bananas...

When everything is not important anymore

2008-09-15T00:18:00.000+08:00

this is my new blog...
same address...
brand new content = no more previous posts left...
My friend, My brother, My family, and you...
who is reading this post...
I have something to say...
I am drifting away...
It was so much that I wanted to stay...

I bite on my fingers...
and tolerate on whatever shit that happened...
this is not only abstrained to love...
to my work...
studies...
friendships...
kinship...
I have been on sleepless night recently...
even if I managed to doze of...
It only last a few hours...
I get more tired after that...

To my bro... Shah...
Forgive her bah...
she is already no more there for you...
no matter how much you cry...
how many times you punch into the wall of your heart...
you know yourself...
love is always the most miracle thing in this world...
always extreme opposite of things it is capable to accomplish...
it can bring happiness and sadness...
It can bring hope and disappointment...
It can bring laughter and weeps...

I know it is hard to tell you know to think...
but really you have to tell yourself...
even you die now on the spot...
your parents cares...
your brother cares...
your sister cares...
your friends care...
but not she...
sorry for that...

To you...
who is always the special one in my heart....
I want to tell you...
ever since I tried so hard...
to get back into your heart...
tons of hardship...
and criticism has been received non-stop...
but it is alright...
if you cannot accept me...
just treat as I paying you back...
for the past which I did badly to you...
If you are testing me...
I will accept any kind of tormentation from you...
I am a man...
who swear to stand on no matter what happened...

sometimes...
things are not meant for words...
it is how much you feel...
and whether you want to pass it or fail it...
I have no comments about your gauge of passing...
but I trying hard...
I will not utter this in front of you...
but I will still care...
because my feelings for you...
will always be here...
the feelings...
will only gone...
when my soul leaves my body...

test

2008-09-11T15:32:00.001+08:00

testing

~*^ Fantasy of My Life ^*~